so... it happened.. and I have to admit it- it happened AGAIN...

i was congratulated on my pregnancy.

and while I am thrilled to know that in my community expecting my SIXTH child is still worth celebrating..

i am just fat.
not pregnant at all.

Sure after five babies my fat is the unique shape that really does reflect a pregnancy- it is almost all my lower belly.

and round.
and well- baby shaped for lack of better terms.

Here is the thing- I have mentioned this on here before-
I have an eating disorder.. and not a little one- one that came very close to taking my life- not really all that long ago.

when I had my youngest i was still very much underweight.

When she was born I knew flat out that the post baby weight *take off* pressure would break my head- crazy wise- and I would be unable to control the disordered thinking and therefore be unable to really nurse my baby in a healthy way.

I am educated about breastfeeding- I know you can diet while nursing and really it would take full on malnourishment to affect nursing..
but it *is* a disorder.

it was only a few years prior that I found I had developed scoliosis.
my spine was curving and it was due to being malnourished.

I do know from experience that this is foreign land for most people- even once when I was hospitalized I had medical staff saying "why not just eat something?" to me.
medical staff!

I found myself traveling into Vancouver to an out patient eating disorder program.. I attended a group session and met other women suffering-
we would have these round table type meetings- chairs placed in a circle.. with at least half the members standing behind their chairs.. holding on for support because they were too weak to *really* stand.. but also unable to sit down.. because they no long have *any* fat on their bums... so their hip bones can not take simple "sitting" anymore...even with the diapers most of them had to wear as cushioning.

Most meetings I would sit and think- i bet they are wondering why I am here.
it was only in retrospect that I realized they all thought that.

Anyway I am off on a tangent- if i could really school the world on disordered eating I would...but I dunno.. I suppose my point is this.

I gained weight after I had Chime so I could breast feed her- I put on a LOT of weight- because I knew i *had* too in order to combat my issues.

I am not a small woman- I hover around 5'10..

and having someone "mistake" me for a round pregnant woman isn't the insult- the assumption that it is an insult to be called big on any level- that hurts.

the -I am sorry!!!!!- I am SOO sorry!!!!!!!
and knowing the person is mortified for their error.

if i started to loose weight- even if it was because I was starving myself- I know I would be told left, right and center that i "look great"

even at my lowest weight i was still getting compliments at my continued weight loss..

I think I have had two female friends who have complimented my weight "GAIN"... knowing what it is..
a huge struggle.


Sure Chime is four now (yipes) and not even nursing..

I want to be a healthy weight- but loosing weight for me isn't really healthy.

the kicker.. is that I know my partner is less attracted to me..
he has admitted it even- not being an ass but during an honest conversation we had.

it does hurt- I know it isn't the truth- but I can't help but think the world prefers me sick- maybe even dying and thin to healthy and fat.

what a sad sad statement on our world.



and
I found this pyramid-
Now I have blogged before of my disgust of the "pro-ANA" trends- and how I feel about it...
bah