Ninja Pie

Halloween- for young and old

2010-11-04T19:12:00.001-07:00

Halloween is BIG at our house- you will hear remarked many times as the day approaches "Halloween is my favourite holiday"...

and it is true- for most of my family Halloween is a favourite- and we decorate- and we all dress up.

I was a bit worried this year that my older children would be hassled- they are tall (always have been) and I was very grateful that not ONE person commented on their age or size.. in fact people all loved our group's costumes and at several houses people were called to the door to admire our hard work!

Chaos of pumpkin carving abounds.

My beautiful bride of frankenstein- in the ver so painful process of becoming her character fo the evening.. and the finished product- even as a monster she is gorgeous.

And we have the Chime-bot 2010.. not sure what this pose is about- she actually was pretty head strong about no photos being taken- so I am lucky i got this one!

We have a classic Batman villain- two face- he actually cut his hair off for this costume- something he has NEVER done- i mean very literally his hair has not been this short since it was this length growing in as a baby. Talk about committed to the role!

and so very beautiful my boy- even with the face paint- the suit was something as well- we had fun marking up the one side and burning it just so.

I wish I had a better picture of the mask we made here. We has a request for a fairly obscure Halloween costume this year.

And old school Doctor Who character- the Silurian. seen below from- the original and our creation. All in all I was fairly happy with how it turned out- there is a real crystal embedded in the temple!

We had a blast- got loads of loot...and laughed a lot!!!

freaks and weirdos.

2010-10-04T02:22:00.000-07:00

I had a birthday in there- 34th one i think...

I post this not for the expectation of well wishes from my absent readers, but rather I wanted to document what my children gifted to me.

They made me a cake- knowing my love of baking- on their own they baked and decorated me a cake..cause they rock like that.

They each decorated one side- or area.. I would have posted my heap of photos, but there is very literally- a heap.

now if the cake alone didn't prove their combined rock-dom

perhaps the icing Dalek by my 14 year old son...

Of all the things i expected when expecting- and beyond- of this gig called motherhood no one mentioned that you get to raise your children to be freaks.

utter.leg.painting.freaks.

This would be my husband's oddly fluffy leg- and my daughter's art work.. this image makes me think that a very fitting pirate name would be "old plaid leg"..

Although now that I recall.. the image below was taken a few years ago and springs to mind- that he was already given the pirate name of 'captain gaylord'.

We had some first day's of school at our house...

Ya know I am one of the teary moms who stands in the corner even though the teacher REALLY wants you to go home..

the one who is told that this is a rite of passage- and not to worry because she will have fun..

and you are supposed to leave with your tissue and wait with baited breath until the end of the day.. and than get over yourself.

But i am more like the one who thinks this BICT...erhm.."stranger" who calls herself a teacher has a lot of nerve taking MY baby's time ALL day from me.. me-who has a right mind to grab said baby out of said "stranger's" arm's and run.

Maybe or maybe not involving kicks to kindergarten teacher's shins...

(i feel the need to interject that her teacher is actually a sweetheart and no violence became her the first day of school- not from my hand's ..or feet anyway ...I don't know what kind of cock fightin' life she lead's after she hustle's her stolen treasure's home for the day)

seriously Look at this girl-

I am FAIRLY certain she was born about 15 minutes ago.. school?!?

ARE YOUR FLIPPING INSANE???

although I like the pictures here, the first one- at home with shear excitement, the next- you can almost feel the nervousness..look at her little face.

by the way- she chose this outfit because she wanted to dress *goth* for her first day-

that roughly translated says "i have a teenaged sibling"

The picture below is from the first day she went to meet her teacher, not a full day but I am a mother- so i brought my camera..

You may not know it but this shot is posed.. all Chime.. She went back opened the door and stood there facing away from the camera with one leg perched in the air.

see.. I raise em' right!

totally right....

My other first day-er..if that is a word.

She is beautiful as ever and ready for grade four.

and 'cause this is a picture heavy post already...

more examples of how strange my days are.

THANKFULLY..

i really wonder what people do in normal homes.

a little brag.

2010-08-25T01:42:00.000-07:00

wow that last post totally spilled off the allotted blog zone.

Speaking of my last post- this is a shot someone snapped of the piece I did on the public Mandala this year. Everything Eagle...

Now...Since I am creator of this here blog- I am declaring myself allowed blatant bragging rights.

We have a Fibre arts fest here..i think it has been going on a long while now, and an aspect of this festival is a juried art show. I decided - with some hesitation to submit a few silk paintings.

Now there is some fear there- because art is so primal and personal- at least I hope it is..and to be judged.. and I know damn well it is by people older than myself- with I am sure differing preferences in their art admiration.. and being rejected- well it hurts.

So I submitted five pieces- even a nekkid lady- so naughty.

And they took all five pieces- so that was a nice ego stroke..

and than a few days before the show starts i get a call.. and have one third place for one of my pieces.. I got to go and get an award in front of a crowd and a plaque and my piece had a ribbon on it at the show..

and at the end when I came to pick up my work.. someone had actually bought one!..

...feels good to be liked.

sad thing is- I have no pictures of the finished piece before it sold.

plus I find it weird that art i have made is in someone's house- and I have no idea who- have always found that aspect of being an artist a bit weird.

But I remind myself- having work actually sell is a great reminder that I am doing what I love and that others are finding beauty in it.

Below is a detail image of the piece I won with.

I titled it "Water Majik" It is actually rather long - like a scarf and I loved how it turned out..

so yay me I suppose.

When the Earth is your Canvass....

2010-07-27T03:08:00.000-07:00

'Our' Mandala...

Have I ever mentioned that I am blessed enough to live in paradise?

It may be hard to tell but this was created by hundreds of individuals painting separate unique art pieces all on the ground- photo taken from above.. I am unsure of the scale.. but I know it is massive!!

In scope and size-

The love and care that goes into this is hand's down one of the most moving things I have ever been gracious enough to bare witness too.

...to put it into perspective here is a shot with people surrounding a piece.

This was last year's Mandala- This year saw the 13th annual Roberts Creek Community Mandala -please visit the web site!

This year the whales and turtle in the centre were significant because of the healing the artistic creator wishes for our ocean's.

It is interesting to me- that with hundreds of people painting- babies to elderly people and everyone in between- that each year I see commonality in what people paint- I noticed this year there are eyes painted opposing each others on each whale's tail.

The entire process is amazing to witness and brought about by a surprisingly small but dedicated and wonderful number of people.

I am so thankful to be touched by such a magical place!!!

they liked my vagina

2010-07-12T04:03:00.000-07:00

see they usually don't like my vaginas.

I consider myself an artist- and truthfully it has taken me some time to be able to say that- I used to have a theory that anyone calling themselves an artist was a hack.. than I got further away from my highschool art education.. and realized i had a lot of un-learning to do.

I do however still allow myself the art snobbery of seperating art from crafts.. and while I separate them- my love for the human form creeps into what I create- weather i segregate what I call the practice or not.

I have a fondness for naked women- and really who the hell doesn't?

but it is my topic of choice- usually for my painting and skecthing- but I find there is never a shortness within the beauty of our bodies-

"love my Whole" by HF

Well a new art form to me has been silk painting, Batik style I stretch silk and create colourful pieces.

Taking my new found craft to the next step I had decided to enter some of my silks into a local juried show.

A rather large show that buses in tourists and such.

Since it is a fibre arts fest and I know how much it draws little sweet old ladys I was unsure of my work.

I have a history see- of being told I should paint pretty streams and that people simply don't want to look at *that*.. being turned away because of my explicit material-

This time (being a "craft" and all) I even tried to do conservative images..with real honest effort- but somehow a naked lady still crept in there.

probably too tiny to see..hmmm

two of the pieces- one is fish swimming and the other is a woman wearing day of the dead face.

see fish- fish don't offend anyone- well maybe some.. who knows.

Well my litte brag is that they chose my pieces- all five i submitted.

vaginas and all..

so that made me happy.

Things that make me happy~ I should really focus on those things more..

I have found after certain traumas in the last few years focusing on the positive feels fleeting- and making plans for the future is a thing of the past..ha

I sometimes wish I could say to my husband- if only you had met me.. *before*..when I was good.

but

there are things.. more and more things.. well i suppose the number of things hasn't changed so much as my ability to admire them. To allow them to penetrate and touch me.

visitors make me happy.

Chime- not so sure how happy she is about visitors.

and yes baking does make me happy

Especially when I can experiment with flavours..

like banana chocolate and cookies and cream with a whole oreo baked at the bottom.. and cookie jar with dabs of cookie dough in the batter..and when they all turn out amazingly- i am even happier.

and yay- another happy- our community is gearing up to paint our annual collective mandala- which to me expresses all the beauty and togetherness of this magical place.

I have vents- and frustrations of course- I am human.. mostly, but I do try to remember the happies.. mostly.

bento baby

2010-07-09T05:05:00.000-07:00

hello web.

As I stated below..

I want to document some of my kitchenular creations.

And since I love art- and I love cooking..when I stumbled upon bento boxes I was smitten.

Oh the things people can do!.. i was so impressed.. I was kinda let down when i realized a lot of the fancy once you see around the web are made from a kit and not freehand.. if there is such a thing as freehand bento making.

anyway I dove in. We found a shop in the big city that is like a Japanesse dollar store and sure enough- bento supplies galore- and cheap- so we grabbed some up.

I have one daughter in public school- her choice..

she started last year and one thing I knew I could do to help her days be special was to create special lunches for her.

I remember when my two oldest kids where in public school- i dreaded making lunches- it was so hard to find food to send- they never ate most of it- and it cost a fortune..

I find making bento boxes kicks ass- it is rock star fun- costs like nothing- we get a few thigs form the bulk area at the market- and a lot of left vers are used..

i WAy prefer her eating this than pre packaged goo- and there is hardly any waste..

so yay times like 0 i dunno five?

So like i said-we started out by just diving in head first.. and I love what came about..

so here are a few of the ones i came up with at the start of my bento adventure

as a bento virgin.....

My Daughter LOVES Koala bears- so this is my take on one..

On days when I felt lazy as anything I made a simple sandwich- which actually only happened a few times- but this was nice fresh French bread-

Our Nori tree....you kinda can't see it- but underneath is a really pretty rice rainbow!

I have loads of photos and will try to upload more..

I am a fan and recommend making bento boxes full on.

Plus-the boxes stack together and are held with beautiful bands.. and than it all fits together in it's self to store..

and you can get uber cute boxes.

sleeping time for me.

hopefully.

re-grouping

2010-07-09T03:13:00.000-07:00

Well I have been thinking about my poor lonely blog here.. and how I can best reap the advantages of this lovely medium before me.

I do admit freely that I have a sort of blog envy festering inside.

People who use their blog daily - who actually do it- regularly - they are my heros.

Which sounds sorta sad in retrospect.

Scrap that.. my heros areeee.. lets say... firemen.

But me, I sit down and think of the days events behind me- and I just can't type it out..

or if I should get so far- i could virtually sprain my finger -> delete delete delete.

Combinations of deeply rooted insecurity and lack of trust I suppose keep me from using this blog the way i hoped i would have.

I have a handful of other pages i tune into - and I find I really do admire the way someone can freely share without the limitations i have wound myself up in.

The voice in my head saying- really who the hell ARE you talking too.. and the memory of trying to keep journals in my youth only to have them read.

I do think it is healthy to vent and move past daily frustrations.. and this seems perfect if I can get over my *issues*...- with new technology comes a myriad of technology based phobias and traumas.

although maybe I alone suffer from disambiguationphobia....

woah- my spell check just shed a little tear for that one.

Anyway- one way I know I can enjoy my little blog friend here is by reminding myself of one aspect of my original idea...

I may not be great with *pie* but ninja fun in the kitchen is a little building block corner of who I am..

I love to cook- bake.. and I want to document some of my edible artistry..

(is it vain to call it artistry?)

sure i wanna share my anger- and joy and pride and my visual artistry and all that fun stuff too.. but i do wanna share my love for kitchen acrobatics.

So I think I will start allowing myself to use this here blog..

and who knows- maybe it will become a habit..

AND if anyone is reading this and feels very bored indeed.. by all means go through and replace the word BLOG with the word VAGINA..

.cause it is fun.

and you all love my

BLOG.

lazy- bored

2009-06-15T16:14:00.000-07:00

I just GOTTA take better care of my blog..
or i suspect the blog police will get me.

life just feels crazy sometimes..
isn't it funny how sometimes doing NOTHING at all can take up all your time..
and at the end of the day you sit and think wow- how was it i didn't have time to get anything done today- while i was so busy doing nothing in particular?

well that is me.

most days anyhow.

Still no house for us- well we live in our little house we are renting- which sold last week ..
the new buyers say we can stay- but it is a bit scary none the less.

it is frustrating- my dream home is sitting there.. and I can't get it.

Not to mention- I swallowed any remainder of pride I had and emailed my ex husbands parents- who are for all intensive purposes *rich*..
I got back an email *eventually* that called me a few names and went on to say that his father passed on and left his home to some brother- who HAD to sell this inheritance because the market is SOOO bad.. and sure enough the value of this home dropped 40%..
therefore I will keep renting- like i was being ordered sort of.

fer the record- this *house* that was inherited is in east L.A..

I live in a trendy sought after suburb of Vancouver.. different country let alone.. less gang wars and all that fun stuff.

well the white tailed deer did have that territory war with the raccoons a while back- it was messy-

So i remain the crazy lady in my tiny house.. with my load of offspring- spawn.
.doing nothing.

well 'cept all the shit i do.
I shoudl post about that stuff one day.
I always mean to post about my art.. but my camera never has batteries and without photos posting about art seems-0- well silly.

2 in one day?

2009-05-20T15:51:00.001-07:00

I know after not posting on here for ever- two posts in one day..well that is outright bizarre.

I didn't really get into it- but last year we lost our house.

my mother and her partner had bought land with two homes- we were starting a *community*.. generations sharing a life- the home we were to have was large-
but in terrible shape-
Lorne (dh) fell through the floor the day we moved in into the crawl space.. we had to hoist the entire house up to repair a massive rotting beam that was the foundation.. the entire roof was crap- we spent a summer not only re -shingling but Lorne had to rebuild the shape of the roof to try and stop the leaks.. the deal and commitment was that it was our home_

we never would have put that much energy into a rental- and hey it was family right?
so who needs a contract?
we re did the whole kitchen- i spent thousands on my garden..

they break up and we get evicted- from our own house..
my mothers ex lied through her teeth- we loose our home- five grandchildren.. kicked out.

No one would rent to us- it was scary- picturing my five babies on the street-
rental landlords would literally hang up on me when i said i have five children..

a friend offered us her *cottage* we have been here a year.. it sucks-

I know there is mold- you can smell it- my kids get sick here.
my daughter has a bedroom we can not even use because the door to the crawl space is in her room and the mold is so thick you can almost tastes it.

there is NO bedroom for Lorne and I.. we sleep in the living room-
for a year there is no privacy- no real sex... we can not even really have a conversation.

and than my mom moves in too- she is staying in what was supposed to be my studio-
but of course we share the kitchen and bath...

She will get a settlement from her ex- they had a "LOT" of money- and the ex kept everything. her ex has been awful stalling and such.

lying -
harassing-

it has been a nightmare.

but we found a house!!!

one that needs some work (only cosmetic)
it is big enough for ALL of us- and it is awesome..

we even got a mortgage- we didn't think we could- but we did..
everything has been great!!

when we pulled up to look at it- I pictured my sons running across the yard and climbing up into a tree in the yard..
and I thought *i'm home*....

but.. no downpayment-

Lorne asked his mom- they said no..

as I am typing this last blog post and my mom tells me there is another offer on *our* house- -- it was accepted.

...there it goes.
I felt like I was sufficating-
like what can we do.
the real estate agent called and said the other offer has a few conditions and NOW is when we would need to buy the house..

HA.
now.
what a joke.

For the last few years- I feel like I am just sort of coasting by with gritted teeth-
trying to smile for my kids.

so here we are- me and my husband and our five kids.. and my mom... in our three bedroom house-
one bedroom we can not use..
in the cottage that is also for sale..

anyway I don't mean to bitch.. but i feel almost panic stricken at times and I NEED to vent I suppose.

like I can't think about my situation or i will burst-

but I am running out of distractions.

I know people have much bigger problems- and I am still blessed-

but I worry about my kids health-
my sanity- which is fast going down the tubes..
my marriage which is heading south with my sanity..

it feels like the universe it taunting me- like happiness it right there.. dangled just out of my reach reminding me it is *possible*
...but out of my grasps.
like we are loosing our home all over again.

I never knew I cared.. which is the funny part.. about having a *house*.. i never cared about buying or renting.. but after loosing our home- our animals.. my gardens which were my solace in hard times.. i NEED to lay down roots.. I need my kids to know I can provide for their basic needs in life..
that they are safe..
that at any minute they wont loose it all again.

I feel poor.. and lame..
how can ONE aspect of this make us loose our home?
just the downpayment.

if I had been better- I would have saved it up..
I would have tucked money away.

maybe if we were better we would be in a position to borrow it- since we KNOW the settlement is coming anyway and will much more than cover it.. so really it is only timing even.

Could my karma be this bad?
And I think- so maybe *I* don't deserve it- what about my beautiful children????
they don't deserve a home?

the settlement could come next week.. next month- in 6 months.. we don't know.. but that is it.. it would have paid for the downpayment- all the renos we wanted to do...and enough to tuck away a heap for future needs..
but the timing is wrong..

on some level it feels like the ex is taking another home from my family.

I feel like crying- but my kids are here.. and I have no where to go.

2009-05-20T15:21:00.000-07:00

so... it happened.. and I have to admit it- it happened AGAIN...

i was congratulated on my pregnancy.

and while I am thrilled to know that in my community expecting my SIXTH child is still worth celebrating..

i am just fat.
not pregnant at all.

Sure after five babies my fat is the unique shape that really does reflect a pregnancy- it is almost all my lower belly.

and round.
and well- baby shaped for lack of better terms.

Here is the thing- I have mentioned this on here before-
I have an eating disorder.. and not a little one- one that came very close to taking my life- not really all that long ago.

when I had my youngest i was still very much underweight.

When she was born I knew flat out that the post baby weight *take off* pressure would break my head- crazy wise- and I would be unable to control the disordered thinking and therefore be unable to really nurse my baby in a healthy way.

I am educated about breastfeeding- I know you can diet while nursing and really it would take full on malnourishment to affect nursing..
but it *is* a disorder.

it was only a few years prior that I found I had developed scoliosis.
my spine was curving and it was due to being malnourished.

I do know from experience that this is foreign land for most people- even once when I was hospitalized I had medical staff saying "why not just eat something?" to me.
medical staff!

I found myself traveling into Vancouver to an out patient eating disorder program.. I attended a group session and met other women suffering-
we would have these round table type meetings- chairs placed in a circle.. with at least half the members standing behind their chairs.. holding on for support because they were too weak to *really* stand.. but also unable to sit down.. because they no long have *any* fat on their bums... so their hip bones can not take simple "sitting" anymore...even with the diapers most of them had to wear as cushioning.

Most meetings I would sit and think- i bet they are wondering why I am here.
it was only in retrospect that I realized they all thought that.

Anyway I am off on a tangent- if i could really school the world on disordered eating I would...but I dunno.. I suppose my point is this.

I gained weight after I had Chime so I could breast feed her- I put on a LOT of weight- because I knew i *had* too in order to combat my issues.

I am not a small woman- I hover around 5'10..

and having someone "mistake" me for a round pregnant woman isn't the insult- the assumption that it is an insult to be called big on any level- that hurts.

the -I am sorry!!!!!- I am SOO sorry!!!!!!!
and knowing the person is mortified for their error.

if i started to loose weight- even if it was because I was starving myself- I know I would be told left, right and center that i "look great"

even at my lowest weight i was still getting compliments at my continued weight loss..

I think I have had two female friends who have complimented my weight "GAIN"... knowing what it is..
a huge struggle.

Sure Chime is four now (yipes) and not even nursing..

I want to be a healthy weight- but loosing weight for me isn't really healthy.

the kicker.. is that I know my partner is less attracted to me..
he has admitted it even- not being an ass but during an honest conversation we had.

it does hurt- I know it isn't the truth- but I can't help but think the world prefers me sick- maybe even dying and thin to healthy and fat.

what a sad sad statement on our world.

and
I found this pyramid-
Now I have blogged before of my disgust of the "pro-ANA" trends- and how I feel about it...
bah

nuttin 2 say

2009-05-12T02:14:00.000-07:00

i have all but abandoned this blog i guess.

When i think a bout it- there is probably loads I could say.
But none of it comes out very easily.

I like to follow blogs of the people who carelessly document their days-
it is interesting to me.. but I never feel like I can do it.

None of it feels significant enough to share.

I see blogs- those with zero comments- and the writer is still addressing the reader (although since I am there i know they are not SO wrong to do so)...and I admire that, the KNOWING that your life and words are worthy of blog-dom.

Sometimes too I suppose I don't really want to document my day- cause it feels like I haven't accomplished much.

I know it isn't a contest- but it sometimes seems like it is- i see awards and all that jazz proudly displayed- there are whole aspects of the blogging community I still haven't figured out.

I like to write- I like to talk to people..
I am not sure why this thing sits here empty so often.

A little update I suppose in order....

I was hoping we would have moved by now- but we haven't- still in this tiny rental under each others feet.
I have been trying to spend some more time with my art- working on a landscape seeing if I can still do landscapes.. even though it appeals to me much less- I still wanna keep up practicing certain technical skills- analytical drawing- my perspective and such..

maybe I will try to blog more...
we'll see....

Every Mother

2008-09-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

I am every mother.

All the cliches about love rip thru my veins

Like every mother..

if every scholarly poet sat to dialogue the emotions-

the description would be lacking- comparative to a nursery rhyme.

the fiery passion- the unknowing insanity that ensues,

bliss that cuts across your chest like a razor blade.

know it all.

Like every mother.

The secret lies of motherhood being what every mother know's..

the devotion-

the love-

the psychotic joy-

Perfection in human form it does not create.

and love and hatred are interbred.

Like every mother

my tears are doused with pure delight and scorch my face.

and admitting my fears and doubts and frustration can not touch my love.

Like every mother.

my commitment is not tainted by my visions of packed bags and secret late night escapes.

my care is not corrupted by my disillusionment.

and my love is not lessened by the fact that I am human

-like every mother. ~HF

deep breath

2008-09-23T22:12:00.000-07:00

breath it all in.. the beauty and the bliss of it all

.and. exhaaaaaaale.That was my deep breath-

rather than monopolize another blogger's coment section.

where I REALLY wanted to say..

Parenting doesn't come with a handbook.. but if someone loves their child- that child is beautiful and yes thriving.. they don't generally need to be told the a.b.c's of parenthood so often.

support.. yes.. oh yes.. and I get it- who am i to decide what *support* looks like.

I guess I just feel support looks like consideration.and i know intention is important and advice- desired or not usually comes from a place of love!!

so much more I could say on this subject.

And maybe i have a bias in there- because not only did I get it.. the unwarranted advice.. but if there HAD been a handbook- i would have torched it like a Preacher's wife would Catcher in the Rye.

I think successful parenting really falls into place when we figure out that our own pace is best.. that the rules are arbitrary and following our heart's goes a long way.

My kids ate solids when they could pick em off the plate and eat them.. they nursed a long time.. they don't go to school.. I dunno.

we make it work.. in a way that keeps us happy

and happy is relative!

I know I haven't been online.

My harddrive crashed.. I am hoping to have it fixed asap.. but until than I am on a loner.. with far less tricks and fancy tools.. but online no less.

I have things i wanna whine about.. so maybe i will set this loner to work.

Stepping into the unkown!

2008-08-15T16:41:00.000-07:00

I really meant to start documenting the process of shifting to life off the grid.. well since it is still a *hope*.. one I am working hard to manifest..
I still don't have much to update.

I thought I would work through some lists here though. as days go on i think of more things i had not considered with altering my life.

finding tank-less hot water heaters made my day a few days ago.. no tank.. it is on demand heated and you can heat it with oil. while I want solar power it wont cut it for everything.. so we are working through some power issues.

We are also trying to determine space.. we are aiming for at *least* one large yurt.. after that we don't know- depending on available funds mostly.

one big yurt- we can add a loft and right there have added space.. but we are a large family as well.. and while most of us (the kids anyway) really love sharing space some of us need some privacy. Our oldest is almost 14- she likes having her own room..
for a while it might be fun to have one big open space and camp out.. but long term we are trying to figure out layout and how to best use the space we have.

I would love to add additional yurts and attach them- by walk ways or with a hallway so they are outright attached. I picture walkways up in trees..
very ewok village.

So.. we need power for- the computers. my partner makes his living with the computers and we use them for schooling..lighting..water heater..some small appliances.. we need food arrangements. storing (refrigeration and preparation) For storage I am fine with a small beer size fridge- we don't use our fridge a lot anyway.. for prep we have started discussing an outdoor kitchen.. a barbecue (propane) with burners and grills..

I am still weighing conventions oven options.. as i love to bake. Now one issue her is bears.. so I am picturing a framed in kitchen..with a roof and partial walls, fencing and a gate?

I believe heating is handled with a good wood stove. Bathroom wise we are weighing some things still.. we aim for a composting toilet- some have the system and can work for more than one toilet- we spoke of building a bath house- in this case we could have two toilets in stalls (family of five) and a sink and bath set privately from the toilets all in one room.

a lot of these are still "what-if's".. and i am still struggling on deserving peace and happiness.. focusing on the positive..
this is something I have wanted for so long.. I want it for my kids as well.. I want to help be an example of how even with a large family you can leave a minimal mark on the Earth and life in peace with your surroundings.. how a family can live differently than the *norm* and be a loving unit! there is no reason to settle for this life- one which makes little sense to me really. people work to make money for *things* they don't need or often want.. we spend most our lives just paying for our own shelter.. why? I want my kids to grow up learning responsibility but also that they have a choice.. we all do really.
why settle?

2008-08-03T04:08:00.000-07:00

"Kim Hunter"

So I have this problem.
I stopped making plans.
after a bit of a break down- well a *bit* is pathetically in accurate.
still..
afterwards- after the things in my life had gone so badly as to cause said break down.

I suppose I gave up.

I still struggle with this- I don't discuss the future- I don't look ahead.
I assume anything positive will be met with something horrible.
and I assume admitting this will as well.
Some how murphy's law has become a freak horror show thing to fear in my world.

Just the same.

LAND ho.
an offer made..
a price returned.
and ACCEPTED.

and a closing date of a bit extra long..

a CABIN for grandma.. a creek- a scared mountain- an ocean within minutes..
and a promise of a loan to buy the yurts that we want for our hippy children and their hippy parents to have hippy fun in.

and saying this.. is scary.
but..
I am happy and excited..
and terrified of good things.
weird eh?

I am trying to decide that i will make plans.
I love my partner- and my children more than words could express..
why not step off and do a little free falling -as my partner would call it.

2008-08-02T06:16:00.000-07:00

I would not usually find myself prone to post about current events- but i am moved to do so today.

Being Canadian- I am thankful for the country I am born of- peaceful and loving.
I am not used to facing such horror as the murder of Tim Mclean. (graphic content)

A couple things-
The death penalty- will it bring this young man back? no
will it prevent another from being killed.. no.

This isn't general- average human behavior.
Someone who is going to do something like this- is NOT stopping to think about repercussions and the penalty for said crime.
I understand the anger- the hurt- well I hope i never really understand- but i can imagine the depths of sorrow.
-especially when I think of the manner in which the details are discussed.. the family doesn't need to see a beloved person they have lost splashed around online- as some gruesome horror show.
Still laws built on vengeance- not the justice I am looking for- too much emotion involved to make sound choices.

Another issue I have is with the large amount of public criticism the other passengers have fallen under for not *intervening*
So .. So easy to judge another's actions in a crisis when you aren't' there.
I truly hurt for those who were I am sure scarred by living through this event- those who helped and those who simply survived- protected their children- who knows?
would this young man have wanted anyone to sacrifice themselves for himself? again- who can say?
I am glad no one else was lost- and pained that so many were harmed.

I have taken this bus- sat in that seat- been in this small town.
I knew many smiling young men like Tim Mclean in my life.
I am really touched by this event.

I am sorry for his family and friends and anyone who was robbed of the chance to become a friend.

I am sad our peaceful country was thrust into such a violent situation.

so I am just journaling some feelings-.. wondering if i can ever ride the bus again- wondering how a family i will never know will heal.

2008-07-29T23:42:00.000-07:00

I love this shot of my son Kaleb- He will be 13 next spring. he isn't my oldest- but in a lot of ways he really helped me become the mother I am. I am not saying that mother looks like anything in particular- who ever it happens to be- i know it comes a lot from this special boy. he is very sensitive- always has been- he had colic as a baby- the only way I could soothe him was by wearing him and walking him around. I remember wearing him against my chest- walking outside under an umbrella at three a.m walking bouncing along.. listening to the patter of the rain and my sleeping boy's breath.. feeling him warm against my heart. If i stopped he would have wailed- and still they are the happiest days- I look back with such - i dunno what.. such bliss. I worry about him- sometimes.. being a sensitive boy in the world of harshness.. Still.. look at what the world hands us every day.

sometimes I wonder who i am writing too on here.. I set it up like it is for some invisible audience- i have found I really love reading blogs of people- but i have never been able to really *share* much of myself. It is a scary prospect to me. It is just me laid out for the world? I wonder sometimes if journaling would help me through some things I should be trying harder to face in life.. but I know that in the mind's of some certain info about my world could hurt me more.. i find that scary.
and to some my world might seem a bit-
well wacky.
Maybe healing is scary to me.. maybe people seeing my faults and flaws are too much to handle? I am not sure- but having my hurts in life be stored as public knowledge seems hard- I know you can make it private right? but it seems the step to sharing it is what people seek.
thats the shit right? the support I see people get online can be overwhelming- take over a life - like a living breathing entity internet memes as a way of life..but it can be so beautiful too.
i dunno?

So here I am ..
Hawkfeather.

That is my real name..
this is the real me.
but only a wee bit of me.
we'll see what comes about.

sorta self exploration- by Hawkfeather

NINJA luvz

2008-07-26T20:21:00.001-07:00

since I named the site here *ninjapie*

two randoms I enjoy.

I thought some ninja content was due.
so why not ninja pets?

and this last one..
oh this one..
flat out disturbing.. but in a good way.
no wait.. it is just disturbing.
the woman- the dog.. the whole thing.
wrong.

there we are.. no one can say i don't make the effort to appear logical in my comings and goings now.

AND>>>>Happy making time
It was our annual community mandala painting!
the Roberts creek mandala
"Man- dell-Ah" ("circle"): a circular design symbolizing the cosmos and specific to a deity

every year in Roberts creek one wonderful fellow.. we should all work harder to make fellow a part of our everyday vocabulary he paints out a new design right over the old one, all in white.. each separate shape is available to anyone to paint.. I believe it usually holds over 300 independent artists work.. little kids.. elderly folk- and they save a few larger spots for artists in the community- a real compliment is that every year they hold a spot for me.. so sweet -these photos are not this year but show scale and the absolute love and peace and community spirit that create these gorgeous works of art.

and we have the thing set- a few coats of something to protect it a bit- but it fades.. part of the process.. than.. everyone dances their asses off to celebrate a day out of time

day out of time

"whacky hippy raver love groove party"
?

that Goddess sister growling like the lioness beast she is up above..
She gave birth the day before i did to chime..
she was in labour with me.. myself 2 weeks early herself 4 weeks over..
lots of things lining up to make two awesome little soul babies.
and I was able to make enough milks for both.. while she had supply problems..
So i have an extra special love on for her little guy.
little tidbit.

I will post this year's mandala once I shoot some niceies of it.. or shots get put up online

-ZING-

bones are the new thin.

2008-07-22T21:56:00.001-07:00

I studied art history- the figures- their round curves gracing centuries of classic and adored art stunning, simply put. Stunning as an subject of art.. but the same figures today in the media would be seen as obese- yes obese and not just "fat".

I wont make a secret of it- i struggle with disordered eating. i would like to take some time and space to talk a bit about the reality of a woman- who happens to consider herself a feminist- who has also been diagnosed with anorexia. Not just Anorexia- in fact i forget the medical type label i was stamped with.. it involved some words like a-typical.. and sub-type.. so i dunno.
What it translates to is fuct in the head.

I read recently that eating disorders have the largest mortality rate of any mental illness.
Really I can tell anyone first hand why.
Even once you seek treatment so few people have a clue, it is really hit or miss. I can't think of many illnesses that *can* be treated but a patient still must rely on Luck when it comes to healing.

I was hospitalized in the small town i live in before dealing with the hospital in the *big city* that has a renowned eating disorder clinic The staff here tried their best- every meal the nurse would come in and say- why don't you just eat something?
I had my family doctor prescribe me anti-psychotic meds.. when I picked them up the label said something about never taking it if you have bulimia-.. exactly what they were prescribed for.. so i ring him up and he explains how they cause some weight loss- but he thought the good out weighed the bad.
so i take them like a good crazy girl.

After I started the "program" the woman checking me in gasped at my chart.. turns out bulimics have this crazy high rate of having some equally crazy nasty (deadly) complications due to this certain medication...She told me not to take another pill.

I have had doctors tell me I shouldn't' worry cause I *look* fine.
I have had emergency room staff treating me for loosing consciousness (repeatidly) by plunking a sandwich down in front of me.

I wont (at this point) get into how others treat me..

But i just wanted to throw this out there.
It isn't about vanity- it isn't about how thin I am.. or pretty i think i am.. it is about CONTROL. Most victims of eating disorders have been abused- often sexually. This is a reaction to trauma on many levels.. it is about maintaining control of a body that you have LOST control over..

One doctor once described it to me.. we have instincts that keep us eating- it is about basic survival.. when you have anorexia it is like your wires are crossed and you can NOT eat.. it isn't a choice. i, at times can not lift a fork.. or drink water, not because i choose not too- but the same mechanisms in my brain that stop me from stepping off cliffs or walking into traffic- prevent it. i can not put food or drink in my mouth at times- not by choice- not by force.

And you KNOW you should in the front of your mind..you still know it is necessary to eat, but the part of your brain that controls your actions and judgments.. it is under the thumb of a disorder that is making the calls- all of them.

Someone who suffers from manic depression can not choose when the disease affects them- they can not opt out of the illness for a day. As well they did not decide to become ill. Mental illness is mental illness.

I could devote this entire blog into information and my feelings surrounding my eating disorder. it sometimes feels endless. I put on weight while nursing my youngest- as well my back was broken just before her pregnancy and i required surgery on my spine after she was born.. a lot of sitting doing nothing on my part I packed on the pounds.. for someone with an eating disorder that is shit- although it seems every person on the planet is ruled by weight to some degree. Now in a perfect world.. my weight would be the cause for celebration- a woman who was severely ill from a disease that had her starving literally to death gaining weight?!? yay right?

well no.. but if i loose a pound or two- I hear it right away..

"hawkfeather.. you look great"

doesn't matter how the pounds come off.. doesn't matter how healthy I am while bigger.. when I weigh 120 (i am 5'11") and pass out in movie theaters-
women are jealous and tell me so.

Friends.. family- loved ones can't say it enough.

"hawkfeather you look GREAT."

well I said I wasn't going to get into the *others*.. so i digress.

maybe though....next time you see someone you know who has lost weight.. pause for a minute. Do they look great?.. do they look healthy? how did they look before.. chances are if you love them- they looked great.

and seriously- if you use the word *ana* to describe any aspect of your life.. don't talk to me about your *eating disorder*.....

-Approximately 8 million Americans suffer from an eating disorder
-1 in 200 American women suffer from anorexia
-95% of eating disorder victims are between the ages of 12 and 25
-Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness
-5-10% of anorexics die within ten years
-Only 1 in 10 anorexia sufferers will receive treatment

Anorexia (an’ə reks΄ē ə) n. // an eating disorder characterized by obsession with weight loss in full

all little girls- all people deserve to love themselves!!!

I am the Earth's bitch

2008-07-16T18:28:00.000-07:00

series of three pieces by hawkfeather (me) they are each fairly small..
and they look better side by side.. but wouldn't fit it seems

SOOOOOOOOO...

We are (and have been forever it seems) considering getting a yurt- or two perhaps.

I am drawn to the idea of living more within our means.
Or rather more within human means.
We have done the research.. prices some.. and we are *hoping* to have the land within the next little while.. which could be a long time potentially. we'll see.

It might not happen but it is a dream i am laying down in type.
We would have a composting toilet and solar power and live- not to differently than we do- but leave less of an impact.

hopefully.
Inshallah.

I know not everyone gives a crap about the imprint they leave behind- but I do. and I know my family does as well.
I have heard people ask about the environmental impact i am leaving by having five children-
but i notice the people who often inquire do not seem all to concerned with the impact they leave.
I know I have certainly read my share of articles about the population crisis.
well I have said it before and i say it again.
The only crisis our population has is how stupid it is.
Or at least how stupid the powers that be may be.

There are enough resources..
they are just used poorly.
the resources available are exploited and abused.

I am proud of the impact I am leaving-

found this pic online- cute eh?

I remember not long ago there was a couple separate days where people were asked to turn off their power for an hour in the evening at a certain time.
Jumpin' Jesus you would think they were asked to sever a limb with a hack saw.
Miss the latest re-run of Lost. are you fucking mad?
I read someone online saying- my t.v was off for an hour that day..
i think they were serious too.

any who.
I do have five kids.. I hope we can control the mark we make in a conscious manner.
Hippy Dippy or not.

It makes me happy.

just like you.

All around me...

2008-07-13T21:12:00.000-07:00

All around me is art. there is no way to appreciate that without the cliche really. I still think it is worthy.
Our visitor of the day- i am sure there is a poem in there somewhere- a butterfly with a broken wing.

"Ring the bells that still can ring Forget your perfect offering There is a crack, a crack in everything That's how the light gets in."
-Leonard Cohen

I have been hold up in my studio lately- exploring my paint and exploring having a studio. That is new for me.. and i find it gives me the push I need to sit and create. to follow through my thoughts and see them manifest into actual art.
I love that art is surrounding my family- the kids are growing up with artistic eyez that most adults can not grasp. The painting below is Chime's first- technically I painted it- but it is her drawing.

it is her and her daddin two bunnies- I traced her hand- she traced mine- i drew a sun with sunshine- so she drew a moon with "moon-shine" a flower by each of us- a heart by each of us. I love this collaboration.. it might be a personal favorite so far.

the kids put on a whole talent show for us the other day- it was really kewl- they went all out. My son Kaleb drew a picture and i realized how glad I am that they *know* they have talent- as individuals they can celebrate their uniqueness and skillz.

too kewl for school?

2008-07-11T16:20:00.000-07:00

Blue Blue Blue

Our experiment into the blue.
I am thinking next time.. two bottles. In our little hippy-clitoris of the universe community- my daughter did catch some flack about using bleach on her hair. But i suspect she didn't care much.

I read other people's blogs- I do find it fascinating- a little peep show into a stranger's life. Who wouldn't love that- like wandering home in the dark looking in the lit windows of homes you aren't familiar with.. but better.

I am finding that perhaps i don't work hard enough on being a hip momma. I am seeing the devotion to being *in* hasn't varied much from let's say grade 8.
Does your diaper bag match your baby legs?.. you don't know what baby legs are?..
and not the ones filled with bones wrapped in flesh- well.. pfft- you apparently suck.

My kids- less my youngest- are too old for me to force them into the wardrobe that will win me uber hipster mother of the year awards. but I find I really like their weirdo created style.
Even Chime, when she dresses herself- has her own special flare.

We are all used to the gender confusion. "my your five little girls are pretty..."

Brothers- indeed.
When my elder son was young he was bothered more by my correcting people than the mistake- he would say- who cares mum- we are having fun. I think he is bothered more now.. but still his long red hair is present. Little brother following behind. As long as they are happy and having fun- I just don't care really. the ripped crotch's and very stained clothing go.. the kids recently realized that sharpie will not wash off and have drawn images they love on some clothing-it is "their's".. and they draw well.

I dunno- parenting is said to be exhausting.. I don't really find this to be true- I suspect it is more exhausting for those who add the burden of matching socks to their daily routine.

Hip is relative..
I would rather they grew up open minded and not worried about what they are wearing and better yet- what other's are wearing.
I want them to judge people based on their behavior.

Not their clothing- not their accessories- not their hair or makeup. not their net worth..online- money wise.. whatever. my 'net' worth comparatively is low- I am doubtful many read my blog- and perhaps a gucci diaper bag makes all the difference.
This box tells me I am spelling gucci wrong. well i refuse to capitalize it.

so there.

Rural Life

2008-07-10T18:21:00.000-07:00

For the record.. as much as anyone can claim the net is a record. I would not generally encourage any of my children to invade the space of a wild animal. However we *know* this one.. and were concerned it was injured so we wanted to see it walk to make sure it hadn't been struck by a vehicle- it just didn't give a flying fuck what we wanted. anywho- Rural life hey? can ya beat it? Jonah and I believe "Suzie Q? their friend, the deer.

It eventually cleared out- and It seemed fine. It took it's sweat ass time and sorta meandered up the lane.

...and for good measure.. my Chimerz..

exploring different poses she insists I document.
good thing cause she is Miss. Cute Mc Cuteington

wonderingz

2008-07-07T11:08:00.000-07:00

"It is not because angels are holier than men or devils that makes them angels, but because they do not expect holiness from one another, but from God only."
-William Blake

I had some thoughts last night I wanted to try to sort out.. sometimes writing helps- sometimes hinders. we'll see.

I honestly wonder- do most people feel they are destine for greatness- or do they feel worthless?
As a whole- our culture seems to be struck with chronic depression- i have long since felt that we are all just waiting.
Constantly stuck in a mode of anticipation. We figure things will be better.."when"..
when the pay check is bigger.. when the kids are older....when the new baby comes... when the new house is bought...bigger car.. retirement.. the weekend..how ever big or small-
we wait to be happy.

It is rarely in the breath or breeze.

And truthfully it also seems to rarely be in the grand and anxiously sought.
The things we set up to wait for come and go- and all we do is sub-consciously pick another *thing* to wait for..

and we feel the exact same.

So- destine for greatness? I am not to sure if that is a universal feeling or what.
but I suspect our concept of greatness if rather flawed and needs some re-tooling.
But I wish more people I love were happy.
really happy-

See blake quote..heh

See, I guess It is all common sense and I know this...it sometimes feels like I have a realization stuck on the edge of my brain- those late hour-acid-epiphanies that you can never really wrap your mind around the next day and alas, there is no q-tip for the brain.

I suppose though that is just another form of waiting hey?
when i figure it all out.. things will be clear?
HA

but than there is you-

My Little Ones-
"You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again."
~Jean-Jacques Rousseau

See..kids know it all.

life love and dogs

2008-07-06T19:09:00.001-07:00

~NEAT BEACH FEET~

&.............

--Nolie Puppy--
schweet

With all the ebbs and flows in life tossing us down bumpy and scary- often painful currents, sometimes we need to through the oar down and consciously alter the direction we are heading. And hey- perhaps sometimes the changes you need in life come in the form of a tiny ball of fluff and slobber... namely- Nolie- our new puppy!! A Cock-a-Poo ~now.... Cute- yes.. but.. the name Cock-a-Poo
this alone has miles of worth on oh SO many levels.
I suspect bred for the name alone- he is none the less a wonderful dog and became a member of our family instantly.
Suddenly yuppie dog accessories- which mere weeks ago would have been the source of much sniggering on my part, a hand bag to carry fido- organic dog treats, bottled dog water.. they all make damn good sense, heh.

happy snuggley yummy puppy.. And a wedding anniversary!!

Four Years since Lorne and I held our marriage ceremony.
Above *us* is the view from our hotel room downtown Vancouver, we venture away from the old growth cedar and ocean waves for junkies and used condom wrappers -AND- embrace the change.
We had a "sitter" and for the first time *maybe* since Chime was born.. we were alone for a night.
We struggled to jam as many plans into our planned night "off" as possible.. and as soon as we hit the hotel room we realized that "alone" was really REALLY fuckin' nice.. just sitting..
who ever invented that pass time is my hero.

Still... we went to the art gallery.. we had a couple really nice meals we saw a movie.. super fly.

~AND~

We also enjoyed a mini vacation this week with our eldest and youngest, while the others spent time with their bio-daddy we were able to try out a resort not far from our house.
A lake with the pond flowers, birds and canoes to prove it. My eldest and I enjoyed her first ever canoe trip.. we even did a round the lake trip with both girls.. but Chime was unsure of peering out a boat and finding a lake worth of water at her exact eye level.. after she got out she seemed really unsettled.

not so sure of boating *fun*

and exploring sand between digits!

Fun few days for us.

2008-06-29T00:38:00.000-07:00

“Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis
on which the world earth revolves - slowly, evenly, without
rushing toward the future. Live the actual moment.
Only this moment is life.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

-LOVE MY WHOLE-

2008-06-25T15:26:00.000-07:00

MOVING.....
That is what we have been up to.
-Lost our dream home- and found in a fast way that dreams aren't easily blocked in by walls.
We brought most our dreams with us.. and for now i am working on shaping and manipulating these dreams into manifesting in the _now_

That is the trick.

NOW.

I looked up housewarming images and found this gem.

So.. if all your friends are cartoon couples from the Gap- your just fuckin' SET!
time to party...yum.
our house- It looks a lot less like the above cartoon and a lot more like this...

There are these three deer that eat everything i plant..and at first the fun and excitement of the *wild* animals was just that- fun and exciting.. but i love to garden.. a new found venture of mine.. we are trying some tricks to discourage deer sharing and still trying to enjoy our furry antlered friends-
who the children have named..
Bubbles
Suzie Q
and..
and...
hmm I forget the third... something wacky.

We had a hearing today with the residential tenancy people.
After all the hardships and abuse we have found over the last little while I am hoping we are done with all this negativity-
See our "dream" home- the land was bought by my mother and her wife- two homes.. one for them one for us and the kids- and some acreage.
Over the years we got wonderful animals- we raised the sheep from infancy.
well than my mother and her wife broke up and all of a sudden we find ourselves evicted.
the dream had been to grow old there- to learn community life and sharing.. to take care of each other.
well it has been nasty- I know break ups can be nasty- but after my kids have been cornered and hurt I am so DONE.
I am hoping this hearing was the last.

But a word from the learned-
Even if you are going into a situation with FAMILY
if they say you own your home you don't.
jeez- all the renos we did..
ack.
I digress.

here we are.. a new start and with that comes my first time ever STUDIO!!!!!!!!!!
I have never had one and I couldn't be more excited!

So, as we all learn in life.

****DREAMS CHANGE****

moving.

2008-05-28T22:08:00.000-07:00

Howdee WWW

I should totally get a new face-hug shot.. cause they are my favorite. Look at her round little face. If i wasn't so insecure about my own face- I would have more. Chime is three now and I am regretting not having more shots of her and I.

yummerz.

One thing about our upcoming move (a few days and we are outta here) -I am sad to loose our animals, this is one below- the sheepies we had we got at about three days old- for the first little bit they slept inside our house- we had to wake up several times in the night to feed them- I caught some parasite from them that was crazy horrid- but they were worth it. I will miss them.

but...change is good, right? this should be my mantra- but I am too busy to remember to try not to be stressed out. mantras are for people who can remember such things. but seriously- it is good hey? Shift- change- flow. Things in life get stagnant and sometimes massive overhaul is needed- even when it is forced on you in the most negative manner possible. Sometimes you have to just put up an energetic wall to block other people's shit out of your world and just move through your own at a pace you can manage.
Both Lorne (my husband) and I have recently experienced a life lesson in the extents of un-kindness humans can inflict on you. Not a desired lesson, but a lesson none the less.
Sometimes I try to weigh out what is going through the mind of someone who is openly trying to harm another, and I am stumped. I tend to assume most conflict is more chopped up to miscommunication, but when you are watching someone go out of their way, spend energy on actively seeking out ways to make your life harder.. you just have to wonder.

but Like I said.
---WALL---

It is warm and nice and sunny most days- even when it rains it is purdy and smells clean. more of that change, but one I embrace. Elora at the beach being buried

Even with the move fast coming up- I gotta be grateful cause at least my family rox my little world on a continual basis. My kids love each other- they don't fight they look our for each other and are kind and loving.
What does it matter what box yer in when the fillings are so ooey-gooey good? My son and daughter Jonah below. Peopel sometimes think they are twins...heh

The whole crew

So here we go..new home, new chances all lined up for our little clan.

-HOT Chocolate!-

2008-05-09T13:38:00.000-07:00

yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

can you say sugar high?

we have discovered a hot chocolate we love to make as a family-
it is fun and a nice little unifying moment- and despite the sugar rush (see last 2 fotos) i find sitting with the kids with a hot drink very calming.

we use a can of coconut milk
a can of evaporated milk
1 tablespoon vanilla
a cup of cream and add milk to make enough.
although milk and no cream and even water work
i like to use cocoa and sugar to sweeten
sometimes we use hot chocolate powder- but it is never as rich.
we have found adding real chocolate- chips or bakers or melting chocolate makes a BIG difference in the richness.
The kids like marshmallows- and I found that if i add them while i cook it and let them melt- the hot chocolate is thicker.
I am not a big gelatin person- so I prefer to whip some cream for the topping
we drizzle it with chocolate syrup.
YUM
once we even threw scoops of vanilla ice cream in.
so BASICALLY- you can't fail
we add what we have and it is rocking yum.

neglect

2008-04-07T15:52:00.001-07:00

I wonder how many bog posts there are int he world about how neglected one's blog might be>?

I am thinking of making this a family blog- one my kids and my partner can update as well as myself.
Our family is in flux right now. We are looking for a new home- which is sad for us as we love our home with a passion and have done so much work on it to make it perfect for us.. even with projects not done- we will never see completed.

All because sometimes adults can't see how their actions affect others- well maybe they see and don't care?
We were meant to own our home- raise our children here. When we first move din we had my partners 70 year old step father crawling around in our crawl space in the mud- because it was our *home* he wanted to help provide a safe space for his grandchildren... I feel guilty for all the help we asked of people who assumed they were helping us with our *home*.. not volunteering time and energy and love to help someone else make a profit.

But it seems it is time to look ahead.
We had just decided to have another child- which is very much a choice affected by the recent loss of our home (which we could have fit nicely in).. i am finding landlords are very discriminatory against my five children as is.. which is a sad fact.
So here we go.. the world is full of options- we need to narrow them down i guess.

Power of Seven-

2008-02-10T19:15:00.000-08:00

copy and paste- pow

The Power of 7

I was tagged by the wonderful Dee- (*linked*)-- Now I just started so I am not sure I can tag seven people- I will see how many i *know* that part might come later- but here we go.

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

#1- Done-

#2- Facts about hawkfeather?
hmmm.. I gotta say if you know me online- or at all- there isn't much you don't know.

here we go
one~ I have five children.
two~ I named my pillow years ago- I have had the same one my whole life- and it is named "scrambled eggs"-
three~ Hawkfeather is not my birth name- but it is not just an online name either- it is my actual name.
four~ One of my greatest skills (if not THE greatest) is pleasing others sexually...Not something i decided- it is something I have been repeatedly told.
five~ I have a facial tattoo- and the symbol in the middle is th at of the Goddess of sexual pleasure and childbirth- see #s one and four!
six~ I spin fire.
seven~ I am literally falling asleep as I type this!

I will look for others to tag when I am not so seeeepy.

thanx dee- I love you baby!

Also while we are at it- the whole posting thing--
~Gung Hei Fat Choy!!!~

Love and Blessings for the year ahead!

Shazam

2008-02-07T17:54:00.000-08:00

We are contemplating another child in our lives.
My partner- I am sure was fairly set against the idea- but wiht our youngest growing up..
well- I see him peeking at other people's babies like some fatherly stalker.
It would be child number six for us- officially ranking us within the realm of people wiht "large families"...I am not talking documentary worthy- seemingly having a lot of children makes you noteworthy- and in the eye's of some a "good" parent no matter what skillz you actually apply to the job.
People react rather strong to me having the five we have already- I got off light wiht Chime- our youngest- because she was my husband's first child. I got way less of the "comments" typical to expecting anything more than your third baby.

For the record- I consider myself an environmentalist- and no i do not think that the number of children I have is harming the Earth- the opposite probably. A family of seven earth conscious people-children growing up to make a positive impact-
I weigh that against the fact that the resources on this planet are not in actuality in short demand- but rather horribly mis used and abused by those in power and i feel pretty groovin' about my contribution.

Sometimes I still wonder what I will do when I grow up- and I am trying to factor in my *plans* wiht another child- i am in my thirties now- I have things I want to do- not that I know what- that is an whole other post really.
I love my kids- I make beautiful babies- i like being pregnant- I like giving birth- I like sharing something so sacred wiht the person I love...
I would rather not wait much later- those thirties ya know?..
Really it is not something you can figure out by listing pros and cons- it comes form your heart this one-
On some level I wonder how much say I even have. Perhaps the child is out there in the stars and will veto what ever say i felt i had in the first place.

"Babies are the new handbag"

2008-01-27T21:54:00.000-08:00

Here we Go- This is me the year I had my daughter-And this is my daughter now-.. what can i tell ya world- NO REGRETS!

The title is a line from a recent "macleans" magazine article (Jan 17th 2008).

It seems every once in a while this is the subject du jour. The doomsday affect of teen aged motherhood.
The Macleans article points at young celebrities and the recent motion picture "Juno" as part of the problem- it also states that the numbers of teen aged pregnancies has increased- despite info stating the exact opposite being published elsewhere-
I couldn't happen but chuckle to my self when I read about the "famous teens" causing young girls to blindly leap into motherhood- Jessica Alba- Nicole Richie and Lilly Allen were the knocked up tarts causing the downfall of hello kitty panties nationwide- I can't even tell you who these gals are- but i can Google. They are 26- 22 and 26 years old. Sure it points at the young Spears-ling a ding- 16 and pregnant- I can't speak for America's youth- but I know I am not absorbing any media outlets as of late and walking away thinking "damn I wanna be more like that Spears family".. now they got it together.

We have a nation that says abortion is wrong- but so is having your baby if you fit into any one of the MANY categories determined to define you as a potential parent- birth control is wrong- so are the babies.
Messages make a mark- or they wouldn't be expressed. All the bombardment of "info" about teen aged motherhood meant to prevent pregnancy- It stands a much greater risk of limiting the potential of young parents than making it's way in between any horny teens.
We are biological beings- our life spans had us procreating as soon as we bled- it was because our lives were dramatically shorter. The desire to have sex- even the biological clock that is known to consume some women- it isn't reading Macleans.
Teens aren't having sex because they were beaten- or because they are stupid- they have sex for the same reason adults do- it feels good. Youth are individuals- making choices for so many various reasons you could never wrap them all up with such a neat tidy bow and call it *understood*.
Too many young people are denied access to information that can help their sexual experiences be healthy and safe- and ya know even if babies are made- what is the benefit of foreshadowing the future for the mother and child with defeat and shortcomings?

You can only be told so many times you are a failure before you start to hear it as some whisper in the back of your psyche. Parenting as a teen aged mother is an uphill battle- Motherhood can be a struggle in general- but when the entire world is telling you your child is a mistake and wrong it is bound to affect your choices and lifestyle.

The 'age' isn't keeping the mothers on welfare- it isn't causing the fathers to flea or affecting the education of the parents.. the constant message aimed at preventing teen pregnancy IS. For every sexually encounter the anti baby making campaign influences.. how many more mothers are living amidst constant discrimination as a direct result?

When My first was born I was approached by the local health unit- they where so excited!
they had recently created this group to go around from health class to health class at local high schools. They had a group of teen moms and their children sitting there talking about the reality of being a young mother.
the sleepless nights.. the ruined dreams.. you know how HORRIBLE it is to be a mother.
I had to clarify- so missus social worker- are you asking me outright to hold my new born daughter in my lap and tell people she ruined my life?....

The "reality" of being a MOTHER hasn't changed with age for me.
The number of sleepless nights has not changed- they were easier to deal with when i was younger sure- the diapers mount as high- the puke- the screaming the exhaustion.. the fact that the 10 pound bundle comes out my itty bitty kitty... all the same.
So is the Bliss- the perfect fuzz on the tips of their ears- the way their nails are almost purple and translucent. The smell- the warmth of their bodies against my chest. The unlimited potenial of the tiny life before me- it never changed.

I love my children. All of them.
I realized yesterday that my eldest daughter is almost half my age- coming into her teens as i come into my thirties.
Age has a way of *fixing* the teen mother "problem" eventually you turn 20- and poof your worthy of motherhood.

I contemplate future children- something I keep coming back to- the older I get the more health risks are involved for myself and my unborn child- many more risks than I faced as a 17 year old carrying my first child. However the choice of a woman in her thirties is not up for debate.

well.. because that would be disrespectful right?

A Bad parent can be of any age- if people do not like the repercussions of teen aged parents they should work hard to change the systems that are set up for mothers.. cause your posters and commercials- they simply aren't making it into the bedrooms-.

Educate before you discriminate

direction?

2008-01-25T22:28:00.000-08:00

So I have this resource here and i am wondering how to put it best to use?

If there is a project I can make of this..a solid goal in mind.

I have some comics i have been meaning to make into web comics for some time.. perhaps there is my baby.
hm.

Brand Spankin'

2008-01-25T18:19:00.000-08:00

Hullo www.
I think I may have over made my mark online by now.. xanga- myspace and facebook pages.. my own website and off shoots.. forums..
Seriously I just like making the pages. I am hesitant to actually "blog" first- the word Blog. That isn't a word. That is the sound my children make when they eat to fast. More likely I am hesitant to actually "share" a piece of myself. Bad diary experiences of my youth- or that universal womanly lack of confidence in self.

well i did the fun part- i made the page.. we'll see what comes with the page.