lazy- bored

I just GOTTA take better care of my blog..
or i suspect the blog police will get me.

life just feels crazy sometimes..
isn't it funny how sometimes doing NOTHING at all can take up all your time..
and at the end of the day you sit and think wow- how was it i didn't have time to get anything done today- while i was so busy doing nothing in particular?

well that is me.

most days anyhow.

Still no house for us- well we live in our little house we are renting- which sold last week ..
the new buyers say we can stay- but it is a bit scary none the less.

it is frustrating- my dream home is sitting there.. and I can't get it.


Not to mention- I swallowed any remainder of pride I had and emailed my ex husbands parents- who are for all intensive purposes *rich*..
I got back an email *eventually* that called me a few names and went on to say that his father passed on and left his home to some brother- who HAD to sell this inheritance because the market is SOOO bad.. and sure enough the value of this home dropped 40%..
therefore I will keep renting- like i was being ordered sort of.

fer the record- this *house* that was inherited is in east L.A..

I live in a trendy sought after suburb of Vancouver.. different country let alone.. less gang wars and all that fun stuff.

well the white tailed deer did have that territory war with the raccoons a while back- it was messy-

So i remain the crazy lady in my tiny house.. with my load of offspring- spawn.
.doing nothing.

well 'cept all the shit i do.
I shoudl post about that stuff one day.
I always mean to post about my art.. but my camera never has batteries and without photos posting about art seems-0- well silly.

2 in one day?

I know after not posting on here for ever- two posts in one day..well that is outright bizarre.

I didn't really get into it- but last year we lost our house.

my mother and her partner had bought land with two homes- we were starting a *community*.. generations sharing a life- the home we were to have was large-
but in terrible shape-
Lorne (dh) fell through the floor the day we moved in into the crawl space.. we had to hoist the entire house up to repair a massive rotting beam that was the foundation.. the entire roof was crap- we spent a summer not only re -shingling but Lorne had to rebuild the shape of the roof to try and stop the leaks.. the deal and commitment was that it was our home_

we never would have put that much energy into a rental- and hey it was family right?
so who needs a contract?
we re did the whole kitchen- i spent thousands on my garden..

they break up and we get evicted- from our own house..
my mothers ex lied through her teeth- we loose our home- five grandchildren.. kicked out.

No one would rent to us- it was scary- picturing my five babies on the street-
rental landlords would literally hang up on me when i said i have five children..

a friend offered us her *cottage* we have been here a year.. it sucks-

I know there is mold- you can smell it- my kids get sick here.
my daughter has a bedroom we can not even use because the door to the crawl space is in her room and the mold is so thick you can almost tastes it.

there is NO bedroom for Lorne and I.. we sleep in the living room-
for a year there is no privacy- no real sex... we can not even really have a conversation.

and than my mom moves in too- she is staying in what was supposed to be my studio-
but of course we share the kitchen and bath...

She will get a settlement from her ex- they had a "LOT" of money- and the ex kept everything. her ex has been awful stalling and such.

lying -
harassing-

it has been a nightmare.

but we found a house!!!

one that needs some work (only cosmetic)
it is big enough for ALL of us- and it is awesome..

we even got a mortgage- we didn't think we could- but we did..
everything has been great!!

when we pulled up to look at it- I pictured my sons running across the yard and climbing up into a tree in the yard..
and I thought *i'm home*....

but.. no downpayment-

Lorne asked his mom- they said no..


as I am typing this last blog post and my mom tells me there is another offer on *our* house- -- it was accepted.

...there it goes.
I felt like I was sufficating-
like what can we do.
the real estate agent called and said the other offer has a few conditions and NOW is when we would need to buy the house..

HA.
now.
what a joke.

For the last few years- I feel like I am just sort of coasting by with gritted teeth-
trying to smile for my kids.


so here we are- me and my husband and our five kids.. and my mom... in our three bedroom house-
one bedroom we can not use..
in the cottage that is also for sale..


anyway I don't mean to bitch.. but i feel almost panic stricken at times and I NEED to vent I suppose.


like I can't think about my situation or i will burst-

but I am running out of distractions.


I know people have much bigger problems- and I am still blessed-

but I worry about my kids health-
my sanity- which is fast going down the tubes..
my marriage which is heading south with my sanity..


it feels like the universe it taunting me- like happiness it right there.. dangled just out of my reach reminding me it is *possible*
...but out of my grasps.
like we are loosing our home all over again.


I never knew I cared.. which is the funny part.. about having a *house*.. i never cared about buying or renting.. but after loosing our home- our animals.. my gardens which were my solace in hard times.. i NEED to lay down roots.. I need my kids to know I can provide for their basic needs in life..
that they are safe..
that at any minute they wont loose it all again.

I feel poor.. and lame..
how can ONE aspect of this make us loose our home?
just the downpayment.

if I had been better- I would have saved it up..
I would have tucked money away.

maybe if we were better we would be in a position to borrow it- since we KNOW the settlement is coming anyway and will much more than cover it.. so really it is only timing even.

Could my karma be this bad?
And I think- so maybe *I* don't deserve it- what about my beautiful children????
they don't deserve a home?

the settlement could come next week.. next month- in 6 months.. we don't know.. but that is it.. it would have paid for the downpayment- all the renos we wanted to do...and enough to tuck away a heap for future needs..
but the timing is wrong..

on some level it feels like the ex is taking another home from my family.


I feel like crying- but my kids are here.. and I have no where to go.

so... it happened.. and I have to admit it- it happened AGAIN...

i was congratulated on my pregnancy.

and while I am thrilled to know that in my community expecting my SIXTH child is still worth celebrating..

i am just fat.
not pregnant at all.

Sure after five babies my fat is the unique shape that really does reflect a pregnancy- it is almost all my lower belly.

and round.
and well- baby shaped for lack of better terms.

Here is the thing- I have mentioned this on here before-
I have an eating disorder.. and not a little one- one that came very close to taking my life- not really all that long ago.

when I had my youngest i was still very much underweight.

When she was born I knew flat out that the post baby weight *take off* pressure would break my head- crazy wise- and I would be unable to control the disordered thinking and therefore be unable to really nurse my baby in a healthy way.

I am educated about breastfeeding- I know you can diet while nursing and really it would take full on malnourishment to affect nursing..
but it *is* a disorder.

it was only a few years prior that I found I had developed scoliosis.
my spine was curving and it was due to being malnourished.

I do know from experience that this is foreign land for most people- even once when I was hospitalized I had medical staff saying "why not just eat something?" to me.
medical staff!

I found myself traveling into Vancouver to an out patient eating disorder program.. I attended a group session and met other women suffering-
we would have these round table type meetings- chairs placed in a circle.. with at least half the members standing behind their chairs.. holding on for support because they were too weak to *really* stand.. but also unable to sit down.. because they no long have *any* fat on their bums... so their hip bones can not take simple "sitting" anymore...even with the diapers most of them had to wear as cushioning.

Most meetings I would sit and think- i bet they are wondering why I am here.
it was only in retrospect that I realized they all thought that.

Anyway I am off on a tangent- if i could really school the world on disordered eating I would...but I dunno.. I suppose my point is this.

I gained weight after I had Chime so I could breast feed her- I put on a LOT of weight- because I knew i *had* too in order to combat my issues.

I am not a small woman- I hover around 5'10..

and having someone "mistake" me for a round pregnant woman isn't the insult- the assumption that it is an insult to be called big on any level- that hurts.

the -I am sorry!!!!!- I am SOO sorry!!!!!!!
and knowing the person is mortified for their error.

if i started to loose weight- even if it was because I was starving myself- I know I would be told left, right and center that i "look great"

even at my lowest weight i was still getting compliments at my continued weight loss..

I think I have had two female friends who have complimented my weight "GAIN"... knowing what it is..
a huge struggle.


Sure Chime is four now (yipes) and not even nursing..

I want to be a healthy weight- but loosing weight for me isn't really healthy.

the kicker.. is that I know my partner is less attracted to me..
he has admitted it even- not being an ass but during an honest conversation we had.

it does hurt- I know it isn't the truth- but I can't help but think the world prefers me sick- maybe even dying and thin to healthy and fat.

what a sad sad statement on our world.



and
I found this pyramid-
Now I have blogged before of my disgust of the "pro-ANA" trends- and how I feel about it...
bah

nuttin 2 say

i have all but abandoned this blog i guess.

When i think a bout it- there is probably loads I could say.
But none of it comes out very easily.

I like to follow blogs of the people who carelessly document their days-
it is interesting to me.. but I never feel like I can do it.

None of it feels significant enough to share.

I see blogs- those with zero comments- and the writer is still addressing the reader (although since I am there i know they are not SO wrong to do so)...and I admire that, the KNOWING that your life and words are worthy of blog-dom.

Sometimes too I suppose I don't really want to document my day- cause it feels like I haven't accomplished much.

I know it isn't a contest- but it sometimes seems like it is- i see awards and all that jazz proudly displayed- there are whole aspects of the blogging community I still haven't figured out.

I like to write- I like to talk to people..
I am not sure why this thing sits here empty so often.


A little update I suppose in order....

I was hoping we would have moved by now- but we haven't- still in this tiny rental under each others feet.
I have been trying to spend some more time with my art- working on a landscape seeing if I can still do landscapes.. even though it appeals to me much less- I still wanna keep up practicing certain technical skills- analytical drawing- my perspective and such..

maybe I will try to blog more...
we'll see....

Every Mother

I am every mother.

All the cliches about love rip thru my veins

Like every mother..

if every scholarly poet sat to dialogue the emotions-

the description would be lacking- comparative to a nursery rhyme.

the fiery passion- the unknowing insanity that ensues,

bliss that cuts across your chest like a razor blade.

know it all.

Like every mother.

The secret lies of motherhood being what every mother know's..

the devotion-

the love-

the psychotic joy-

Perfection in human form it does not create.

and love and hatred are interbred.

Like every mother

my tears are doused with pure delight and scorch my face.

and admitting my fears and doubts and frustration can not touch my love.

Like every mother.

my commitment is not tainted by my visions of packed bags and secret late night escapes.

my care is not corrupted by my disillusionment.

and my love is not lessened by the fact that I am human

-like every mother. ~HF

deep breath

breath it all in.. the beauty and the bliss of it all

.and. exhaaaaaaale.That was my deep breath-

rather than monopolize another blogger's coment section.

where I REALLY wanted to say..

Parenting doesn't come with a handbook.. but if someone loves their child- that child is beautiful and yes thriving.. they don't generally need to be told the a.b.c's of parenthood so often.

support.. yes.. oh yes.. and I get it- who am i to decide what *support* looks like.

I guess I just feel support looks like consideration.and i know intention is important and advice- desired or not usually comes from a place of love!!

so much more I could say on this subject.

And maybe i have a bias in there- because not only did I get it.. the unwarranted advice.. but if there HAD been a handbook- i would have torched it like a Preacher's wife would Catcher in the Rye.

I think successful parenting really falls into place when we figure out that our own pace is best.. that the rules are arbitrary and following our heart's goes a long way.

My kids ate solids when they could pick em off the plate and eat them.. they nursed a long time.. they don't go to school.. I dunno.

we make it work.. in a way that keeps us happy

and happy is relative!

I know I haven't been online.

My harddrive crashed.. I am hoping to have it fixed asap.. but until than I am on a loner.. with far less tricks and fancy tools.. but online no less.

I have things i wanna whine about.. so maybe i will set this loner to work.

Stepping into the unkown!

I really meant to start documenting the process of shifting to life off the grid.. well since it is still a *hope*.. one I am working hard to manifest..
I still don't have much to update.

I thought I would work through some lists here though. as days go on i think of more things i had not considered with altering my life.

finding tank-less hot water heaters made my day a few days ago.. no tank.. it is on demand heated and you can heat it with oil. while I want solar power it wont cut it for everything.. so we are working through some power issues.

We are also trying to determine space.. we are aiming for at *least* one large yurt.. after that we don't know- depending on available funds mostly.

one big yurt- we can add a loft and right there have added space.. but we are a large family as well.. and while most of us (the kids anyway) really love sharing space some of us need some privacy. Our oldest is almost 14- she likes having her own room..
for a while it might be fun to have one big open space and camp out.. but long term we are trying to figure out layout and how to best use the space we have.

I would love to add additional yurts and attach them- by walk ways or with a hallway so they are outright attached. I picture walkways up in trees..
very ewok village.

So.. we need power for- the computers. my partner makes his living with the computers and we use them for schooling..lighting..water heater..some small appliances.. we need food arrangements. storing (refrigeration and preparation) For storage I am fine with a small beer size fridge- we don't use our fridge a lot anyway.. for prep we have started discussing an outdoor kitchen.. a barbecue (propane) with burners and grills..

I am still weighing conventions oven options.. as i love to bake. Now one issue her is bears.. so I am picturing a framed in kitchen..with a roof and partial walls, fencing and a gate?



I believe heating is handled with a good wood stove. Bathroom wise we are weighing some things still.. we aim for a composting toilet- some have the system and can work for more than one toilet- we spoke of building a bath house- in this case we could have two toilets in stalls (family of five) and a sink and bath set privately from the toilets all in one room.



a lot of these are still "what-if's".. and i am still struggling on deserving peace and happiness.. focusing on the positive..
this is something I have wanted for so long.. I want it for my kids as well.. I want to help be an example of how even with a large family you can leave a minimal mark on the Earth and life in peace with your surroundings.. how a family can live differently than the *norm* and be a loving unit! there is no reason to settle for this life- one which makes little sense to me really. people work to make money for *things* they don't need or often want.. we spend most our lives just paying for our own shelter.. why? I want my kids to grow up learning responsibility but also that they have a choice.. we all do really.
why settle?